Child and family psychologists often emphasize in therapy: “You need to set clear rules and limits—your child needs to learn them.” But why is it necessary to set limits for children? Because children explore the world anew every day. They learn from us what is right and wrong, how to define personal boundaries, and how to interact with others.
Children need guidance to develop skills like problem-solving, patience, and resilience. Setting limits helps them regulate their emotions and manage frustration when things don’t go their way. When children always get what they want, it can reduce their appreciation for those things and hinder their ability to delay gratification. Over time, this can affect their emotional satisfaction and ability to feel fulfilled in adulthood.
When to Start Setting Limits
Although each child develops at their own pace, around age 3—or when they start asking “why?”—is typically the right time to begin. At this stage, children start to understand cause-and-effect. This makes it easier for them to connect their behavior with consequences like rewards or discipline.
It’s never too late to set limits. In older children, reinforcing behavior through reward and consequence remains effective. This approach is rooted in cognitive-behavioral therapy: behaviors followed by rewards are repeated, while behaviors that aren’t rewarded fade over time.
The Power of Role Modeling
Children learn by observing the people around them—especially those they love and trust. Parents, teachers, siblings, and even friends can become powerful role models. Unfortunately, children can also imitate negative behaviors. For example, a child who witnesses a parent yelling or hitting objects when angry may express anger the same way. Positive behavior, on the other hand, needs to be both modeled and reinforced.
How to Reward Positive Behavior
To encourage a behavior, reward it when it happens. This doesn’t mean giving toys or gifts every time. In fact, those should be used sparingly. Verbal praise and emotional support are often more effective and meaningful. For example:
- “I really liked how you helped today.”
- “Thank you for being so kind.”
- “I see you’re trying hard, and that makes me happy.”
Facial expressions, hugs, and physical gestures can also show approval. Over time, consistent rewards help children internalize behaviors so that they continue even without praise. Gradually reduce rewards as the positive behavior becomes more regular.
Why Limit Material Rewards?
Relying on physical rewards too often can create problems:
- Children may expect a prize every time they do something well.
- They may try to negotiate: “I’ll clean my room if I get a new toy.”
- They may not develop internal motivation, which is crucial for long-term responsibility.
Still, material rewards can be useful occasionally—especially in special situations. If you find yourself using them often, consider switching to verbal or emotional rewards to maintain balance.
Dealing with Negative Behavior
If your child misbehaves to get attention or things, ignoring the behavior can be effective. For instance, if your child throws a tantrum in a store to get candy and you give in, they learn that the behavior works. Instead, calmly explain why they can’t have it and do not give in. The message should be: “Tantrums don’t work.”
This is easier said than done. Ignoring bad behavior—especially in public—can be stressful. But it’s important to be consistent. When children realize their actions no longer yield the desired result, they stop. Initially, the behavior may escalate. Stay firm. Eventually, it will fade.
What About Punishment?
Punishment here doesn’t mean shouting, hitting, or threatening. Instead, it’s about applying age-appropriate consequences. For example, if your child doesn’t clean up toys after being told and reminded, they lose the privilege to play with those toys for the rest of the day.
Key tips:
- Always explain the rule beforehand.
- Make sure the child understands it.
- Keep consequences fair, logical, and linked to the behavior.
- Avoid overly harsh punishments.
Punishment should teach, not shame. When it’s applied too frequently or arbitrarily, children may feel worthless or unloved. That’s why positive behavior should be rewarded more often than negative behavior is punished. A good ratio is four rewards to every one punishment.
Tailoring Your Strategy
Make a list of behaviors you’d like to increase or decrease. Choose one to start with—ideally a behavior that causes the most stress or seems easiest to change. Since you know your child best, you’ll also know which rewards or consequences will be most meaningful.
Your parenting style doesn’t need to follow a strict formula. What matters is consistency, love, and clarity. With these, your child will not only understand limits but grow to thrive within them.
Nevin Keskin Clinical Psychologist
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